I've had lasagna for the last five nights in a row. I suspect the cholestrol is having an effect on my morale, because I can't seem to get up.

My stomach is now folding into a goop of fat. I am officially no longer fit.

People keep telling me to live off a Subway diet, and be like Jared, all fit and abnoxiously annoying.

I'd rather go get liposuction, and donate all the proceeds to Subway so they can use it for their mayonnaise.

My mother told me this would happen...